no rhyme or reason

random musings... 1? maybe there are more 'parts' to come :)

2011-05-24T03:10:00.001-04:00

A little more wine than necessary.. And thoughts start to flow.. They seem to make sense… this wont make sense tomorrow.. But right now.. This is all that is going on in my head..

There are things that happen which don’t make sense… you try hard to understand them.. But there is no easy way to understand them… You delve deeper and deeper until you find there is no way back… you get so confused that what once did make sense is all hazy now…

Life is simple… I don't know why we try to complicate it beyond comprehension.. Maybe it's just too little alcohol :) … once 2-3 glasses of whiskey are downed, life seems simple… nothing left to complicate… no mazes.. No puzzles…

Listening to the rain outside…. No other sound.. Oh wait… my keystrokes :)…

Rain.. Pitter patter on my balcony… ah.. Wonderful…. Seems like this is the only sound I ever want to hear…

Why?

2009-04-20T18:14:00.004-04:00

Because ...

5 years down the line, I don't want to ask myself, "What if?"

"What if I had done it?"
"What if I had the courage to give it a shot?"
"What if I could make it to the place where I always wanted to be?"
"What if I had a chance at seeing the long lost dream materialize?"

These and many more questions will haunt me, if I don't even try.....

And that's why... I will ....

I will follow my dream.
I will give it my best shot.

(thanks to Rohini who said, "Give it a shot, instead of regretting it later")

What happened to us?

2008-10-13T13:57:00.001-04:00

“If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered on the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions, I should point to India” - Max Mueller

Have we no time to find solutions for our problems today, or no will?
Is the state of India today a gift we chose for ourselves?
Yes the industries are growing, ... but with that is growing the loss of lives, the poverty, the riots, the terrorism.... Is India really developing?

“In religion, India is the only millionaire - the One land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined” - Mark Twain

The fights within, the undying hatred for the other religions, killings in name of religion, ..... Are those the glimpses we want to show the world?

“So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked.” - Mark Twain

Was his judgment wrong? Didn't we forget something? Aren't we deliberately overlooking something? Isn't something going terribly wrong right in front of our eyes? Aren't we choosing to do NOTHING cuz it is the easier way out?!

“In India, I found a race of mortals living upon the Earth, but not adhering to it, inhabiting cities, but not being fixed to them, possessing everything, but possessed by nothing” - Apollonius Tyanaeus

Possessed by ignorance, inactivity, these mortals are becoming numb... choosing not to try and achieve the greatness they are entitled to..

“If there is one place on the face of earth where all the dreams of living men have found a home from the very earliest days when man began the dream of existence, it is India.” - Romain Rolland

There was a dream, we thought we'd bring to reality... the dream of a free India, whose people were free, happy, living in harmony,......
We prayed.."Into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my county awake."...
Is this that heaven?!
We dreamed of that heaven........... is that dream lost somewhere in the sands of time? Have perilous waters washed that dream away?

I was in the process of giving up on India too. I used to tell myself, "arre jaane do..chhodo..hum kya karein..desh ke netaon ne tamasha bana diya hai.. kuchh nahi ho sakta is desh ka.." ("screw it, indian politicians have ruined it all, nothing can be done about this country now")

But.. something changed in the past few months..something within me.. and I'm glad it did.. I asked myself... "Can we make a difference? Can we change India, despite the present day's chaos?" That's when I started thinking about my country... thinking about it brought pain... it saddened me... helplessness replaced immunity.. fear replaced blissful ignorance..

My friends say... things are changing slowly.. it will become better.... I tell myself the same thing... but it just doesn't seem enough to convince or console me..

Maybe I am thinking too much... but sitting here, miles away from my country.. when I think of my country...when i hear and read the news about my country.... I ask myself only one question... "What happened?"

RIP, Richard Wright

2008-09-15T20:59:00.001-04:00

Syd Barrett shone on like a crazy diamond,
David Gilmour sang on an island,
Roger Waters made the final cut,
Nick Mason wrote the inside out, but,
Richard Wright, you caused the great gig in the sky,
Your music shall live on forever, with gratitude we bid you goodbye...

The Chronicle of my favorite years (hopefully chronologically correct :) )

2008-07-24T01:48:00.000-04:00

The first year's ragging sessions
Introductions, initial jokes, talking
Some of us sitting together in class
Starting to have fun together in class
Hanging out in Prachi's room
Hanging out with other stupid people
Chucking them out of our lives later :) (hehe)
Prachi, Rohini, Wattal and Chauhan stealing Chhavi's personal notebook
Shikha Chauhan getting angry with Chhavi, cuz of Chhavi's use of explitives
(I really wanna write.. gobi not inviting me to her birthday party!)
Molly and Gobi getting over the feeling of "Chhavi doesnt wanna talk to us" (ha ha)
Teehij starting to get to know Chhavi and Rohini
Separating into branches in the second year
Anshu becoming the "notes taker" of E&TC
Teehij becoming the most sincere Computer Engineering student that's ever been
DV and Rohini being the dumb ones in the instru batch :P
Life going on .. eating out, hanging out..
Esha feeling awkward to go out with us
Prachi bringing Esha to the group, and we all accepting her as DON :)
One drunken night in the hostel
Getting to know too much truth about each other (ahem... :) )
Feeling closer as friends the next day
Getting to know Mandy better
Tuition-going people getting to know Kriti better
The seven E&TC people being the naughtiest bunch in class
Being the "cool" or "not good" north Indians in class
Gang growing,more people joining it
Night outs at Mandy's place
Weekend lunches at Mandy's place
(somewhere around here... wattal came back and then left pune)
Chhavi and Rohini moving into an apartment
Shikha Chauhan joining the group again
We all becoming 12 inseparable friends
Endless night outs at Flat no.6, A-2 Building, New Friends Society, Paud Road, Pune :)
Endless trips to Kiva, Not Just Jazz, Thousand Oaks, Good Luck Cafe, Barista (list can go on and on and on)
Esha graduating, May 2006, to work at IBM
Farewell for the other 11 in April 2007
Final exams of our engineering lives - May-June 2007
Realizing that it's almost over
Farewell dinner, which some people missed (sadly)
...................................... leaving pune.....
Calling each other before and after leaving pune, to say final goodbyes
2 working in Pune
3 pursuing their MBA in Pune
1 pursuing her MBA in Calcutta
1 working in Bangalore
2 working in Delhi
1 starting her MBA in Missouri, USA
1 starting her MS in Los Angeles, CA, USA
1 pursuing her MS in Boston, MA, USA
Sitting in labs, classes, offices.. thinking of the good old times...
Smiling to ourselves, sometimes a lump forming in the throat
Telepathically communicating to each other, "I miss you all, hope to see you all soon"

Where a pink and purple trolley pierced my eyes every day :)

2008-04-13T11:40:00.000-04:00

I want to ride the kinetic with you again
I want to have you cook my breakfast again
I want to have random conversations during morning coffee again
I want to hear you read interesting(that seem interesting only to you) news/columns in the newspaper again
I want you to clean my closet again
I want you to scold me for not cleaning again
I want to watch scrubs with you again
I want to watch friends with you again
I want to watch random stuff on the tv/computer with you again
I want to sit with you near the window and comment on neighbors/people passing by again
I want to message/text you all day long again
I want to hug you again
I want to criticize your guy again
I want you to find faults with my men again :)
I want us to together ogle at good looking men again
I want to cook for you again
I want to get pastries for you when you are sad again
I want to eat golgappas with you again
I want to crib about everything you do again
I want to trouble you while you play zuma again
I want to go shopping with you again
I want to bitch about everyone and everything with you again
I want to eat out with you again
I want to drink with you again
I want to get drunk and talk rubbish to you again
I want to bug you about priorities again
I want to fight for you again
I want to fight with you again
I want to go get paan with you in the middle of the night again
I want to wear saree with you again
I want you to temme i need to lose weight again
I want you to take care of all the laundry again
I want you to clean my fridge again
I want to dirty everything after you clean it again
I want to do total vella-giri with you again
I want to talk talk talk talk talk talk with you again
I want to listen listen listen listen to you again
I want to go to the movies with you again
I want to relieve your exam tension again
I want to have dinner with you again
I want you to make dessert for me again
I want to go on trips with you again
I want to go grocery shopping with you again
I want to read Calvin and Hobbes with you again
I want to sit aimlessly at barista with you again
I want to listen to long random playlists with you again
I want to choose your clothes for you again
I want you to force me to wear earrings again
I want to visit your family again
I want you to visit my family again
I want you to make fun of me again
I want to make fun of you again
I want you to owe me rent every month again
I want you to make tawa-pizza for me again
I want to study with you again
I want to play scrabble with you again
I want to have written conversations with you again
I want to make you read imaginary conversations i come up with again
I want to laugh at you again
I want to laugh with you again
I want to watch you play with the camera and take random pictures and videos again
I want you to use everything I own as if it was yours again
I want you to read my face and know everything again
I want to see your face and see through you again
I want to talk to you in person again
I want to SEE YOU (not through a webcam!) again

Rohini... we are best friends forever... but I want us to live together again..(as impossible as that may seem)...

I love you
I miss you.

Where the prayer bell rings softly every morning...

2008-03-29T19:13:00.000-04:00

A few voices.. well known voices...
She : "Chhabu...Chhavi..."
He : "Sone do usko na!"(Let her sleep)
I am hearing it all.. but I am too lazy to get up...
A few sounds..someone(I know it's her) just left the room... sound of the door closing.. someone(I know it's him) pulls a chair, sits down... sound of pages of a newspaper being flipped... She enters the room..sits on the bed next to me.. and strokes my hair.... some more talking... I finally know it's time to wake up..i start smiling.. and i open my eyes... slowly.. the light making it difficult to open them.. i see her sitting next to me on the bed... and i see him in the adjoining room through the door..sitting and reading the newspaper at his desk... She kisses my forehead.. and tells me to freshen up... I know I shall be sitting at the table eating a scrumptious breakfast in half an hour... That's the thing that gives me the energy to walk out of my room to freshen up...

After half an hour, I sit at the table... he is already there..waiting for me... She serves me 2 spoonfuls of Poha, a mug of cold coffee, and a mango cut up into pieces, just the way I like it.. he is served the same thing too...
She also sits next to me now... with her cup of tea.. we start talking... random conversations.. about everything in life.. short random sentences... a little argument.. then back to jokes and normal conversation... two middle aged people sharing their experiences about everything with this young adult..

Shuffling of feet..
I look up to see... he has just come back from his morning walk.. he sits down to join the conversation.. and drink some water...He starts the conversation.."aur Chhavi bitiya... neend poori hui?"(My dear Chhavi, did you sleep well?) He is old, but not weak.. he's tired but more enthusiastic about life than any of us.. He misses her, his wife, but never really expresses it...
We all miss her... we all silently wish she was there..
..... some more talking...

Noise... someone yelling outside... ah I know it's him..my favorite teenager... just back from his morning game of cricket with friends... She asks him to wash his hands... but he, being the naughty kid he is, just sits down and starts to eat..

Everyone finishes breakfast... both the middle aged people occupy both bathrooms, to get ready..

He, the old man, goes to his room to perform his daily ritual, Yoga and meditation. I know I'll see him only after two hours now..after he is bathed and ready... in his crisp white lungi(Indian wraparound) and a plain half sleeve shirt..

He, the teenager, is sitting at his desk, showing me new "cool" gadgets he is crazy about, online.. and wants me to buy him some when I have earned enough..
We talk, he cracks his stupid jokes.. and we both roll with laughter...

A prayer bell ringing softly... another sound I have known well since I was a kid.. It's her, doing her daily prayers..(that prayer bell reminds everyone of the one who used to ring it 7 years earlier... the old lady whose soft hands gave Prashaad to everyone after she finished her prayers..). That tells me that the middle aged people are all set to leave for work.. she in a nice blue salwar kameez (a common Indian dress for women), and he in his usual shirt and pants. She sits at the table, and I sit with her, while she eats her breakfast with some tea and a slice of toast... interrupted every 5 minutes by phone calls... she starts to leave.. I hug her at the door, the way I do everyday.. and say "Bye Maa.. jaldi aana". (Bye mom, come soon).
He sits with me and talks for a while and then leaves... I ask him.. "papa.. lunch karne ghar aaoge?" (Dad will you come home for lunch?). He says yes....and leaves..

I go back to my bed to lie down and read a book, or just laze.. He, the teenager, walks in.. "Didi.. ek baat batani hai"(Sister, I have to tell you something).. I smile,and say "Haan Raghav, bolo"(Yes Raghav, tell me), and concentrate leaving all else because I know my dearest brother has to confide in me, and will want my comments...

By the time his story ends.. he, the old man, enters... He starts talking about Raghav's studies and career and Raghav says "Baba, aap phir wahi baat shuru kar rahe hain..."(Grandad, you are again talking about the same thing)... And then starts an argument which is always fun to watch...
so i sit back, and enjoy it...

I miss the old lady.. my grandmother.. my Dadi... her absence is felt.. but we know she's somewhere watching over us... smiling as she watches...

i know the next day also will start the same way... but I also know, that I will return to quiet mornings, with no known sounds...soon...after the vacation ends... even that is my place..my house in Boston...but.. THIS is HOME..

Farewell Jack

2007-11-11T00:56:00.001-05:00

Hello Jack. The time has come to say goodbye. For two years, I loved you intensely. Time spent with you is unforgettable. Memories will haunt me. I know they will haunt you too. I have never danced better than I have danced with you. I have never had more fun than I've had with you. I love that you always smell so good. I love that you are always there when I need you. I love that you have often spent fun times with my friends too. I love that in you I found a friend, a lover, a soulmate. I love that with you I could be comfortably numb (but I hate that it made others around us uncomfortable).

I know it hurts you to see me leave, after all those nights you've spent watching me as I slept, after all those times you've loved me like no one before, after all those conversations we've had about love, life, philosophy.......

But Jack, your love sometimes is too overpowering. It makes me fall to my knees. (Sometimes I even lose balance and fall on my bum and it hurts too much the next day). Your love has made me fall from grace many a times,(and from the bed too) but I let it go. I have made mistakes, which I shouldn't have. Your love has made me do things I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise. Your love made me dance on the streets! Your love made me hide in a closet! These are things I would never want to do!! And it was all because I could not overpower you. Your love controlled me. And you know I am not used to being controlled by someone else. You know I like being in control, no matter what. But I disregarded all this in your love. I am not here to play the blame game, Jack, but it's as much a fault of yours as much as it is mine. Maybe I was just blinded by the intensity of your love.

Your love has put me in trouble a lot many times, but this time, it was a little too much. I cannot let you be in control all the time. Your love gives me a high, but it takes away my sense of self. And I cannot let that happen anymore. I have to take charge, I have to take control. But for that, I need to start over. I need to be away from you for a while to think things over. It hurts me more than it hurts you but maybe you will not understand.

Maybe it's not you, it's not me, it's not our love. Maybe it's this world that cannot understand this love, this wonderful relationship we have going on here. Maybe the intensity of the love scares this world that knows not anything but hatred. (bloody!)
(and now your love has made me use too many "maybe"s in this post)

Remember our favorite Lifehouse track, Jack? "Everything" ? What were the lyrics that we sang to each other? Oh, yeah "You are all I want, you are all i need, you're everything. And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you." :)
Now I am singing to you.. U2's "With or Without You". It's true,Jack, I can't live with or without you. My life with you has to pause for a while.... and my life without you has to go on, and it will..... :'(

Believe me, Jack, while I write this, I have already exhausted a packet of tissues wiping my eyes and my running nose. It hurts me, Jack, but i have to bid farewell to you.
Do not doubt my love Jack, because you know I'll always choose you over the others. I'll always choose you over the monks and the barons, over Johnnie and Jim, over the Kentucky gentleman and Colonel Lee, over the teachers and the kings.

I will come back to you, and you know that better than I do. But not for a while now, not for a while.

Let me learn to take control. Give me time to take charge. Let me learn how to establish a balance in the relationship, and I'll come back to you. My love for you will bring me back to you.
I love you, Jack, I really do. I wish I didn't have to do this, I wish I didn't have to hurt you. But you know, sometimes, just love is not enough. You will understand, someday if not now.

Goodbye for now. Farewell Jack.

(I cannot believe I have written this with you sitting right in front of me... )

live each moment like it's your last

2007-10-20T16:08:00.000-04:00

Sitting in the lab, coding and simulating the code all day, I was starting to get bored... very bored... so what do tech-students do when they are bored but still have to keep their asses parked in that chair in the lab.. they surf the web, they read blogs, they read wikipedia, and indulge in a lot of other web-related stuff.
Anyway, so I was also surfing the web, just going through some blogs, and somewhere I came across this statement.."live each moment like it's your last". I have heard it a zillion times , and I've always given it the same treatment. Read it, then say "*sigh* yeah *sigh*" under my breath, and then move on. I did the same this time too. Moved on to a few other blogs...
But something different happened this time. While I was waiting for the simulator to finish the simulation of my code, I went back to the statement, in my mind.
And a weird thought process started.........
The first thought---- Would I wanna be caught dead in front of the computer writing a goddamn hardware description code???!!!??! Would I wanna be writing a Verilog CODE at my last fucking moment?!
This thought proved to be pretty destructive for my lab assignment, cuz in the middle of the simulation, I just shut down the simulator, walked out of the lab, and went for a long walk.
(thankfully the lab assignment wasn't due anytime soon).
And during that long walk, I just thought about what I would wanna be doing at my last moment...
And I came up with a list, which I am gonna put down here...
-Listening to Comfortably Numb while smoking up. (TOP of my list, rest of the list is in no particular order)
-Playing Basketball.
-Flying a plane.
-Driving a Ferrari.
-With a cute guy(preferably a floydian). (that'd be one embarrassing death!)
-Hiking.
-Overdosing on espresso
-rolling with laughter while watching South park
-reading Pearls Before Swine or Calvin n Hobbes
-being engaged in a wonderful conversation(how rude would it be to just die in the middle of a conversation when someone's trying to tell me something!)
-blogging (to put down my weird thoughts so I don't carry them to heaven with me.. yeah im sure Im going to heaven)
-Surfboarding.
-Snowboarding. (painful death!)
-star gazing.
-gambling in Vegas.
-drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks.
-lying on the grass(or warm sand) just staring at the clear blue sky. (i wonder how will that BE my last moment? unless the sky falls down :) )
-reading something well written ,something soul-stirring. (like Kite Runner).
-Eating GOOD food. (don't mind choking on the food :) )
-Walking in the rain.
-sleeping peacefully in my bed......
and the list actually went on to include a lot of things I wish I had the time to do...
.......................................................
(my phone rings.......)
a friend : "where are you?"
me: "walking on Deerfield street"
friend: " but I thought you had a lot of work in the lab today".
me: "yeah, came out for a bit"
friend: "ok call me when you get done."
me: "that won't happen before 11 tonight. Anyway I'll call. Bye"

me to myself : "oh right! the lab assignment! I gotta get it done!"

And I start walking towards the lab, with another thought process.(yeah my head is never idle...)
So this is what's in my head while walking back...Living each moment like it's your last, is not something someone can do, practically. I can't be smoking up all day long just to fucking WAIT for that last moment, I can't be drinking all day...
I can't be watching south park all day (I'll fuck up my assignments and grades).
So how can I live each moment like it's my last?! I can't! I gotta meet deadlines! cuz im sure im not meeting death any time soon, but I sure am meeting my grader pretty soon.
And with that thought.... I start running towards my lab... running like I was being chased...

the only thought process now being.."how to debug that module in the program?" ...........

and here I am... back in the lab... blogging while my code synthesizes.. cuz hey.. it could be my last moment.. and I better be doing at least ONE thing outta that list I came up with.
(blogging is in there).... and on my way to finishing my assignment in case i have to meet the deadline before i meet death....

wow.. this post seems weird,
yeah that's what I feared.
But this is exactly what I do,
reveal my weirdest thoughts to you.
I find it very funny that you have the time,
to read my writings, to read my rhymes.
If this was your last moment, is this what you would wanna do?
Maybe, if like me, "reading something well written" is on your "last moment" list too. :)
anyway, too many moments have passed, and I'm still alive and happy,
so i guess this "last moment" concept is pretty crappy.
I write confusing stuff, cuz it's fun to play with your mind,
In that game, a strange kind of pleasure I find.
Jokes apart, I sure do hope you live long,
but sometimes take a break from work, consume some alcohol and listen to a song.
anyway, i'm off, i need to debug that code of mine,
cuz yeah, now im sure that before my death, shall arrive this assignment's deadline.

I don't know

2007-10-19T01:27:00.000-04:00

"I don't know". This phrase is not mine. It never was, it still isn't, and I wish it never will be. I don't wanna make it mine. I don't wanna ever "not know". And that's how it's always been. I've been the one who KNEW. I am the one who KNOWS. And I sure do hope I will be the one who WILL KNOW. I KNOW therefore I AM.
What did/do/will I know?
Answers, answers, and answers. To every question.
Solutions. To every problem.
The best cocktails. At every pub/lounge/club.
The best music. For every occasion.
The best dishes. At every restaurant.

But sometimes, I do let out a sigh, and say "I don't know". And surprisingly, that happens only when it's MY question, it's MY problem.

And, there comes my big fat ego. How can I NOT KNOW!? How can I go to someone for advice? How can I let people know that for once, GOENKA doesn't KNOW!

Cuz I am everyone's GO-TO person. I am the adviser, not the advisee. I am the counselor, not the counseled. I am the teacher, not the taught. And I like it that way!

But, that has to change.
I have to accept the fact, that I might not know. I might be the counseled, the advisee, the taught.
Like, I did not know the perfect title to this post, or the perfect introduction to this new blog.
I did not know what to eat for dinner today. I did not know what I should wear to college today. I did not know what to do about a problem in my life today. I did not know how to solve that numerical. I did not know!
And, I had to ask, I had to be the advisee. And, it didn't seem that bad.......

I don't know what I am writing... I don't know.

If you do, I am ready to listen. I am. Yes. I am ready to listen to you. Cuz, just this once, I don't know.

look what coding did to me!

2007-10-19T01:21:00.000-04:00

Life is like a code written in a programming language. Each person, a programmer, writing his/her own code. The logic applied by each one is unique. So is it in life.

Every moment equivalent to a line of code. Every choice, an "if-then-else" statement. (though it's not that simple in life! is it?) Every mistake, an error.
Every error in programming teaches you something new about programming, every mistake in life teaches you something new about life.

Different modules are written, everyday. When we learn something new, a new module is created. Everyday, older modules are called, executed, or altered. We analyze outputs of the modules. If they are not satisfactory, we either sit down to debug the code, or we start writing a new module.

Difference - while coding, errors can be corrected. Codes can be simulated. Situations in life can't be. So in life, we learn the hard way. :)

But life rewards you if you program it well, with rewards that are priceless, timeless. Whereas a code just rewards you with a "SYNTHESIS SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED" statement.

(but again, a good code leads to a good grade which leads to a good job which leads to a good life... im getting confused here... )
Are you getting the analogy? Cuz im not :(

Anyway, time for me to learn from my programming errors...

no rhyme??

2007-10-12T03:00:00.000-04:00

well.. i decided to start a new blog, cuz i needed a place to write about my daily musings.. and there are a few things in life which can't be put into a rhyme. For the humor lovers, the rhymes will come in soon. For people who just like to have some reading material to read during boring meetings or lectures, this blog shall interest you more than the rhymes.
anyway, that was the intro to this blog. Dunno why I felt I owed you guys an explanation :)...

so.. wait for a new rhyme or a new post.... :)