Farewell Jack

Hello Jack. The time has come to say goodbye. For two years, I loved you intensely. Time spent with you is unforgettable. Memories will haunt me. I know they will haunt you too. I have never danced better than I have danced with you. I have never had more fun than I've had with you. I love that you always smell so good. I love that you are always there when I need you. I love that you have often spent fun times with my friends too. I love that in you I found a friend, a lover, a soulmate. I love that with you I could be comfortably numb (but I hate that it made others around us uncomfortable).

I know it hurts you to see me leave, after all those nights you've spent watching me as I slept, after all those times you've loved me like no one before, after all those conversations we've had about love, life, philosophy.......

But Jack, your love sometimes is too overpowering. It makes me fall to my knees. (Sometimes I even lose balance and fall on my bum and it hurts too much the next day). Your love has made me fall from grace many a times,(and from the bed too) but I let it go. I have made mistakes, which I shouldn't have. Your love has made me do things I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise. Your love made me dance on the streets! Your love made me hide in a closet! These are things I would never want to do!! And it was all because I could not overpower you. Your love controlled me. And you know I am not used to being controlled by someone else. You know I like being in control, no matter what. But I disregarded all this in your love. I am not here to play the blame game, Jack, but it's as much a fault of yours as much as it is mine. Maybe I was just blinded by the intensity of your love.

Your love has put me in trouble a lot many times, but this time, it was a little too much. I cannot let you be in control all the time. Your love gives me a high, but it takes away my sense of self. And I cannot let that happen anymore. I have to take charge, I have to take control. But for that, I need to start over. I need to be away from you for a while to think things over. It hurts me more than it hurts you but maybe you will not understand.

Maybe it's not you, it's not me, it's not our love. Maybe it's this world that cannot understand this love, this wonderful relationship we have going on here. Maybe the intensity of the love scares this world that knows not anything but hatred. (bloody!)
(and now your love has made me use too many "maybe"s in this post)

Remember our favorite Lifehouse track, Jack? "Everything" ? What were the lyrics that we sang to each other? Oh, yeah "You are all I want, you are all i need, you're everything. And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you." :)
Now I am singing to you.. U2's "With or Without You". It's true,Jack, I can't live with or without you. My life with you has to pause for a while.... and my life without you has to go on, and it will..... :'(

Believe me, Jack, while I write this, I have already exhausted a packet of tissues wiping my eyes and my running nose. It hurts me, Jack, but i have to bid farewell to you.
Do not doubt my love Jack, because you know I'll always choose you over the others. I'll always choose you over the monks and the barons, over Johnnie and Jim, over the Kentucky gentleman and Colonel Lee, over the teachers and the kings.

I will come back to you, and you know that better than I do. But not for a while now, not for a while.

Let me learn to take control. Give me time to take charge. Let me learn how to establish a balance in the relationship, and I'll come back to you. My love for you will bring me back to you.
I love you, Jack, I really do. I wish I didn't have to do this, I wish I didn't have to hurt you. But you know, sometimes, just love is not enough. You will understand, someday if not now.

Goodbye for now. Farewell Jack.

(I cannot believe I have written this with you sitting right in front of me... )

live each moment like it's your last

Sitting in the lab, coding and simulating the code all day, I was starting to get bored... very bored... so what do tech-students do when they are bored but still have to keep their asses parked in that chair in the lab.. they surf the web, they read blogs, they read wikipedia, and indulge in a lot of other web-related stuff.
Anyway, so I was also surfing the web, just going through some blogs, and somewhere I came across this statement.."live each moment like it's your last". I have heard it a zillion times , and I've always given it the same treatment. Read it, then say "*sigh* yeah *sigh*" under my breath, and then move on. I did the same this time too. Moved on to a few other blogs...
But something different happened this time. While I was waiting for the simulator to finish the simulation of my code, I went back to the statement, in my mind.
And a weird thought process started.........
The first thought---- Would I wanna be caught dead in front of the computer writing a goddamn hardware description code???!!!??! Would I wanna be writing a Verilog CODE at my last fucking moment?!
This thought proved to be pretty destructive for my lab assignment, cuz in the middle of the simulation, I just shut down the simulator, walked out of the lab, and went for a long walk.
(thankfully the lab assignment wasn't due anytime soon).
And during that long walk, I just thought about what I would wanna be doing at my last moment...
And I came up with a list, which I am gonna put down here...
-Listening to Comfortably Numb while smoking up. (TOP of my list, rest of the list is in no particular order)
-Playing Basketball.
-Flying a plane.
-Driving a Ferrari.
-With a cute guy(preferably a floydian). (that'd be one embarrassing death!)
-Hiking.
-Overdosing on espresso
-rolling with laughter while watching South park
-reading Pearls Before Swine or Calvin n Hobbes
-being engaged in a wonderful conversation(how rude would it be to just die in the middle of a conversation when someone's trying to tell me something!)
-blogging (to put down my weird thoughts so I don't carry them to heaven with me.. yeah im sure Im going to heaven)
-Surfboarding.
-Snowboarding. (painful death!)
-star gazing.
-gambling in Vegas.
-drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks.
-lying on the grass(or warm sand) just staring at the clear blue sky. (i wonder how will that BE my last moment? unless the sky falls down :) )
-reading something well written ,something soul-stirring. (like Kite Runner).
-Eating GOOD food. (don't mind choking on the food :) )
-Walking in the rain.
-sleeping peacefully in my bed......
and the list actually went on to include a lot of things I wish I had the time to do...
.......................................................
(my phone rings.......)
a friend : "where are you?"
me: "walking on Deerfield street"
friend: " but I thought you had a lot of work in the lab today".
me: "yeah, came out for a bit"
friend: "ok call me when you get done."
me: "that won't happen before 11 tonight. Anyway I'll call. Bye"

me to myself : "oh right! the lab assignment! I gotta get it done!"

And I start walking towards the lab, with another thought process.(yeah my head is never idle...)
So this is what's in my head while walking back...Living each moment like it's your last, is not something someone can do, practically. I can't be smoking up all day long just to fucking WAIT for that last moment, I can't be drinking all day...
I can't be watching south park all day (I'll fuck up my assignments and grades).
So how can I live each moment like it's my last?! I can't! I gotta meet deadlines! cuz im sure im not meeting death any time soon, but I sure am meeting my grader pretty soon.
And with that thought.... I start running towards my lab... running like I was being chased...

the only thought process now being.."how to debug that module in the program?" ...........

and here I am... back in the lab... blogging while my code synthesizes.. cuz hey.. it could be my last moment.. and I better be doing at least ONE thing outta that list I came up with.
(blogging is in there).... and on my way to finishing my assignment in case i have to meet the deadline before i meet death....

wow.. this post seems weird,
yeah that's what I feared.
But this is exactly what I do,
reveal my weirdest thoughts to you.
I find it very funny that you have the time,
to read my writings, to read my rhymes.
If this was your last moment, is this what you would wanna do?
Maybe, if like me, "reading something well written" is on your "last moment" list too. :)
anyway, too many moments have passed, and I'm still alive and happy,
so i guess this "last moment" concept is pretty crappy.
I write confusing stuff, cuz it's fun to play with your mind,
In that game, a strange kind of pleasure I find.
Jokes apart, I sure do hope you live long,
but sometimes take a break from work, consume some alcohol and listen to a song.
anyway, i'm off, i need to debug that code of mine,
cuz yeah, now im sure that before my death, shall arrive this assignment's deadline.

look what coding did to me!

Life is like a code written in a programming language. Each person, a programmer, writing his/her own code. The logic applied by each one is unique. So is it in life.

Every moment equivalent to a line of code. Every choice, an "if-then-else" statement. (though it's not that simple in life! is it?) Every mistake, an error.
Every error in programming teaches you something new about programming, every mistake in life teaches you something new about life.

Different modules are written, everyday. When we learn something new, a new module is created. Everyday, older modules are called, executed, or altered. We analyze outputs of the modules. If they are not satisfactory, we either sit down to debug the code, or we start writing a new module.

Difference - while coding, errors can be corrected. Codes can be simulated. Situations in life can't be. So in life, we learn the hard way. :)

But life rewards you if you program it well, with rewards that are priceless, timeless. Whereas a code just rewards you with a "SYNTHESIS SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED" statement.

(but again, a good code leads to a good grade which leads to a good job which leads to a good life... im getting confused here... )
Are you getting the analogy? Cuz im not :(

Anyway, time for me to learn from my programming errors...

no rhyme??

well.. i decided to start a new blog, cuz i needed a place to write about my daily musings.. and there are a few things in life which can't be put into a rhyme. For the humor lovers, the rhymes will come in soon. For people who just like to have some reading material to read during boring meetings or lectures, this blog shall interest you more than the rhymes.
anyway, that was the intro to this blog. Dunno why I felt I owed you guys an explanation :)...

so.. wait for a new rhyme or a new post.... :)