Farewell Jack

Hello Jack. The time has come to say goodbye. For two years, I loved you intensely. Time spent with you is unforgettable. Memories will haunt me. I know they will haunt you too. I have never danced better than I have danced with you. I have never had more fun than I've had with you. I love that you always smell so good. I love that you are always there when I need you. I love that you have often spent fun times with my friends too. I love that in you I found a friend, a lover, a soulmate. I love that with you I could be comfortably numb (but I hate that it made others around us uncomfortable).

I know it hurts you to see me leave, after all those nights you've spent watching me as I slept, after all those times you've loved me like no one before, after all those conversations we've had about love, life, philosophy.......

But Jack, your love sometimes is too overpowering. It makes me fall to my knees. (Sometimes I even lose balance and fall on my bum and it hurts too much the next day). Your love has made me fall from grace many a times,(and from the bed too) but I let it go. I have made mistakes, which I shouldn't have. Your love has made me do things I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise. Your love made me dance on the streets! Your love made me hide in a closet! These are things I would never want to do!! And it was all because I could not overpower you. Your love controlled me. And you know I am not used to being controlled by someone else. You know I like being in control, no matter what. But I disregarded all this in your love. I am not here to play the blame game, Jack, but it's as much a fault of yours as much as it is mine. Maybe I was just blinded by the intensity of your love.

Your love has put me in trouble a lot many times, but this time, it was a little too much. I cannot let you be in control all the time. Your love gives me a high, but it takes away my sense of self. And I cannot let that happen anymore. I have to take charge, I have to take control. But for that, I need to start over. I need to be away from you for a while to think things over. It hurts me more than it hurts you but maybe you will not understand.

Maybe it's not you, it's not me, it's not our love. Maybe it's this world that cannot understand this love, this wonderful relationship we have going on here. Maybe the intensity of the love scares this world that knows not anything but hatred. (bloody!)
(and now your love has made me use too many "maybe"s in this post)

Remember our favorite Lifehouse track, Jack? "Everything" ? What were the lyrics that we sang to each other? Oh, yeah "You are all I want, you are all i need, you're everything. And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you." :)
Now I am singing to you.. U2's "With or Without You". It's true,Jack, I can't live with or without you. My life with you has to pause for a while.... and my life without you has to go on, and it will..... :'(

Believe me, Jack, while I write this, I have already exhausted a packet of tissues wiping my eyes and my running nose. It hurts me, Jack, but i have to bid farewell to you.
Do not doubt my love Jack, because you know I'll always choose you over the others. I'll always choose you over the monks and the barons, over Johnnie and Jim, over the Kentucky gentleman and Colonel Lee, over the teachers and the kings.

I will come back to you, and you know that better than I do. But not for a while now, not for a while.

Let me learn to take control. Give me time to take charge. Let me learn how to establish a balance in the relationship, and I'll come back to you. My love for you will bring me back to you.
I love you, Jack, I really do. I wish I didn't have to do this, I wish I didn't have to hurt you. But you know, sometimes, just love is not enough. You will understand, someday if not now.

Goodbye for now. Farewell Jack.

(I cannot believe I have written this with you sitting right in front of me... )